Kendare Blake’s OVER/UNDER of 2013

And of course I had to ask Kendare Blake to come back  – because no one does an Over/Under quite like she can.  Lay it down, Kendare!

Happy New Year! 2014 will soon be upon us (or is upon us, depending on when Katie schedules this post), and son of a b, how did it get here so quickly? I’m not a fan of even-numbered years as a rule, but I am a fan of optimism, so let’s welcome 2014 by looking back at 2013 and making it feel bad about itself.

In that spirit, here’s a short, random list of over and/or under used/done/seen things in 2013:

OVER: Imagine Dragons

Look, I like ’em as much as the next guy. But perhaps less than every single commercial and film/video game trailer maker seems to. That damn “Radioactive” song was used to promote everything from Mazdas to horse racing. And strangely enough, it worked every time. I watched those horses run in that promo and thought this year the Kentucky Derby was going to be AHA-SUM!

OVER: Shortening and cutefying words

This isn’t a new trend, but this year it really went to another level. Crazy is now cray. Living in the moment is now Yolo. And because of that Sprint commercial, I can’t stop saying “Totes McGoats.” As in, do you want to go see the new Hobbit movie? Totes McGoats I do. Is Imagine Dragons on the soundtrack, because that would be cray cray.

UNDER: Siamese Cats

2013 felt suspiciously low on Siamese cats. And I don’t mean cats with the Siamese coloring, but the big, ridiculously long-boned, triangle-faced ones who sing about being Siamese if you please but really don’t give a shit one way or the other how you feel about it. I don’t know about anyone else, but I could use more of those.

UNDER: Hot Guys with Books

It’s an undisputed fact that most boys who read are hot. Like, 95% of them. Books alone raise the attractiveness of the average person by a factor of 7.5 hundred thousand, which could have been represented with commas and zeros but I like decimal points.

So in a world where book covers with hot guys are popping up more frequently (can I get a whoop whoop for female sexuality out in the open) how about some hot guys with books?  I mean, a hot guy lounging about is nice and all, but if he just read a little? Wowsers in the trousers. Totes McGoats, sign me up.

Here’s (–>) a guy using all the hot multipliers. A book, and owl-knees. Shown here, he’s like a 7.

OVER: Killing Elephants for Ivory

I guess I live in a box, because I sort of thought the ivory trade was dead, or at least subdued. But apparently there’s been a resurgence of demand for ivory, and that’s gross.

How can you look at an elephant’s face and think his tusks would be better used as an ashtray or a ring? Not nice, people. Not nice. In fact, if you insist on buying ivory, I’m going to have to insist that for each ring you purchase you must pull out one of your teeth and carve it into a little elephant. Then sell it and donate the proceeds to elephant conservation. It’s only fair.

Thank you to Katie for inviting me to participate in the Over/Under again this year! I hope all your 2014’s are filled with amazing reads and life-changing experiences.

Thank you, Kendare!